Optometrists In The Making
by Dei-senpai-is-MINE
Summary: Where Itachi reads the papers upside down, Kakuzu and Kisame are firmly convinced that their resident prodigy is going blind, Sasori and Deidara are being optometrists in the making and Hidan is just along for the ride. Zetsu is not being particularly helpful with his hunger hints, Konan and Pein are absent and Tobi is being ridiculously irritating. Oneshot, Crackfic.
1. Chapter 1

**Hihi, everyone! I'm back! With a Naruto fic!**

**Thought a not-so-crack fic. This one's a failure...sigh...**

**Anyway, hope everyone enjoys...**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, un!**

******Rated T for language (blame Hidan, yeah!)**

**Last note: an optometrist is someone who measures eyesight, prescribes corrective lenses and detects eye diseases. Okie...**

**So sit back, relax and enjoy, yeah?**

* * *

"Itachi."

The aforementioned male ignored Kisame, before flicking through the newspaper nonchalantly.

He tried to ignore the fact that he could not make out a single word, and peered irritably at the marmalade-smeared paper (courtesy of the resident masked idiot who could _NOT_ be trusted with the ever-important task of collecting the morning newspaper).

The headlines, which were surprisingly located at the bottom, were blurry.

_How strange_, he mentally commented, _I liked them better on top._

It said something about...hooligans and meat jerky?

He was about he continue on to the next page when his companion interrupted him again.

"Itachi."

He glared at the shark nin, before scowling. "What is it?"

"Um..." Kisame squirmed nervously, "You're reading the news upside down."

Itachi twitched slightly, before flipping the papers around. "Right...I knew that." he admonished defensively.

Kisame shoved another spoonful of cornflakes into his mouth. "You need glasses."

"I do not." Itachi snapped, randomly flipping through the pages.

"You're going blind, un." Deidara chipped in.

"Shut up." the Uchiha prodigy growled.

"Read me the news, Itachi." Kakuzu interjected.

"I'm occupied." Itachi ground out. Seriously. Why was everyone so hell-bent on irritating him today?

"The financial section, thanks." the Falls nin continued, acting as if he had not heard a single word.

Muttering fervently under his breath, Itachi skimmed through the blotchy words.

"Erm...Rice form head hit the _noof_." he muttered.

Kakuzu choked on his coffee. "_What_?"

Itachi turned faintly red, before correcting himself hurriedly "I meant—"

"Prices for thread hit the roof." Sasori chipped in, "Heavy demand for textiles."

"That was what I meant." Itachi retorted darkly.

"I see." For once, Kakuzu wasn't the slightest concerned about the news.

Normally, he would fly into a fit, screaming..._ahem_...obscene things and sounding very much like Hidan.

This time, however, he just stared hard at Itachi, who promptly ignored the lot of them and continued pretending to read the newspaper.

"Itachi. I think you really need to check your eyes."

"For the last time, I'm fine. I just used Amaterasu one time too many." Itachi rebuked.

"Um...we haven't had any missions for a month." Kisame said testily.

There was a moment of silence as Itachi thought that over.

"Oh." It was all he could say.

"Hey, I used to help out my village optometrist, un." Deidara said cheerily.

"No. He's going to have to see someone professional." Sasori shook his head.

"You'll probably just explode his eyeballs if you tried."

"Hey! Now you're being mean, Danna, un!"

"I'm not paying." Kakuzu warned. "And it's too expensive to consult a professional."

"Yeah! You hear that, Danna? I'm gonna be a optometrist, yeah!" Deidara skipped.

Itachi opened his mouth, but Kisame just shoved him to the side. "Don't worry, it's perfectly fine."

"Why don't we just drag him to fucking Orochimaru? That peedo probably knows what's fucking wrong with Red-eye." Hidan, who had just waltzed in a moment ago, rolled his eyes.

"No." Sasori cut in.

"Never." Deidara snapped.

"No thank you." Kakuzu and Kisame said monotonously.

"Come on, Danna, un. These idiots know nothing about the art of eyes." the Iwa nin grabbed his partner.

Surprisingly, Sasori just nodded, and they filtered out of the room.

* * *

The pair had decked up in professional-looking white robes, and Deidara was looking fabulously gay in a pair of spectacles.

Itachi wasn't very pleased about being forced into the entire thing.

"Come in." Sasori said, trying to sound as sophisticated as he could.

Itachi raised his eyebrows and shuffled towards the two whitish blobs that were (hopefully) puppeteer and terrorist.

Deidara adjusted his glasses and held up a clipboard (which had nothing on it) and pretended to be consulting some non-existent notes.

"Uchiha Itachi?"

The raven-haired male sighed. "Who else?"

Kisame sniggered.

Kakuzu gaped at the pair, before screeching hotly. "How much did that getup cost?! You've bankrupted me, haven't you?!"

Hidan snickered, "This I have to fucking see."

* * *

"Start reading, yeah." Deidara told him.

"Um...let's see." Itachi frowned at the blurry chart.

"First letter." Sasori tapped the sheet.

"Erm...M...O...M...B...no...E...K?" the male squinted at the paper.

Beside him, Deidara had crossed the entire paper. All wrong.

"Hmmm...he's worser than we thought." Sasori muttered.

At the door, Hidan was grinning as he watched the three. "Hey. When are they going to realise that Itachi is reading off Frankenstein's money-managing chart? This is fucking hilarious."

Kakuzu twitched slightly at his nickname, and Kisame let out a helpless giggle, trying and failing to holding back his laughter.

* * *

It took the 'artistic' pair the entire hour to finally realise something was amiss when they saw Itachi facing the wrong direction.

"Alright. Let's start over." Deidara sighed.

Itachi wasn't faring any better than before.

"That should be an A...or is it a R? Alright, R...H...T...Q..."

* * *

"Itachi. I'm sorry. But your eyes can't be saved. I'm afraid we're gonna have to operate on them." Sasori told him tonelessly.

"Ah...Danna...I've always wanted to say that, un..."

Hidan choked on his own saliva and collapsed by the doorway, writhing in laugher.

"Right. So let me get the wooden eye I've prepared." Sasori said enthusiastically.

"What? But Danna! I thought we were going to use my clay, un!" Deidara whined.

His Danna looked down at him. "No. You're just going explode his eyes once we put it in."

"But what is the use of wood, yeah?"

They were in the middle of bickering when the most irritating living being known to shinobi-world walked in.

"Is Itachi-san going blind?" Tobi chirped. "What's gonna happen?"

"T...Tobi! Don't just walk in like that, yeah! You almost gave me a heart attack, un!"

"Sorry..." the masked male said guiltily."Tobi was excited!"

The next twenty minutes, he refused to shut up...

"The lights are so creepy, Tobi is scared!"

"Tobi just accidentally touched the tray, senpai! Tobi is a bad boy!"

"Tobi is a good boy! Is Itachi-san okay?"

"Is that robe uncomfortable, senpai?"

"Tobi wanna see! Tobi wanna see!"

"Tobi thinks we should go with clay!"

"Actually, now Tobi thinks wood is more practical..."

"Tobi is a good boy! Tobi wants to help!"

"Can Tobi help now?"

"Can Tobi help _now_?"

"What about now?"

"Now?"

"_Now_?"

"Tobi wants to help now!"

"_Now_?"

At the 13th comment, Deidara lost it. "Tobi, be _quiet_, un!"

* * *

"I know how it must feel like, Itachi." Kisame told him sympathetically.

Itachi cleared his throat. "Actually, I—"

"But then, if you were to choose between going blind and eventually losing your skills, and losing your skills but preserving your eyesight, it's obvious that you go for the latter right?" Kakuzu told him.

Itachi looked mildly irritated at being interrupted. "Actually, I—"

"Don't worry, Itachi. Sasori and I are very skilled in the matters of the art of the eye, yeah. You'll be fine, un." Deidara assured.

Itachi scowled, before trying again. "_Actually, I—_"

"Come on, time's a-ticking." Tobi said cheerfully, and everyone departed, leaving Itachi to finish his sentence alone.

"Actually, I rather go blind..."

* * *

They were trying to coax Itachi to sit on the chair so they could actually proceed with the operation.

"Don't tell anyone, Danna, un, but I've never done this before..." Deidara whispered.

"And do I look like I've operated on dozens of eyeballs before?"

"Yeah, un."

"I haven't. If I have, I'll be a rich puppet..."

Almost the entire organisation had walked in to observe. Hidan had a bag of popcorn, and was sharing them with Kisame. Kakuzu was still ranting about bankruptcy, and Tobi had been temporarily swallowed by Zetsu in a feeble attempt to silence him.

"I'm stil**l hungry...**" Zetsu rasped. "Once you're done **with the eyeballs, throw them t**o me. I can eat **anything**..."

Itachi shuddered slightly, before backing away.

"Come on, Itachi. We're trying to help you." Kakuzu sighed, before adding silently to himself. "And save money while we're at it..."

"I'm st**ill hungry...**"

* * *

"I'VE GOT HIM, UN! GET THE STRAIGHTJACKET, YEAH!"

Itachi struggled against the straightjacket that had him pinned against the chair.

"Come on now..." Deidara sounded like he was talking to a child. "Just let me..."

Itachi struggled harder, mentally freaking out.

Unfortunately for him, his Sharingan wasn't working, and whatever God, Pein or Jashin that existed wasn't feeling remotely generous that day.

"Don't be scared, Itachi-san..." Tobi said reassuringly.

"THAT IS _IT_!" Itachi tore through the straightjacket and whirled towards the remotely yellow blob that resembled Deidara.

Uchihas rarely, if never, lost their temper.

And when they did, it was like a volcano explosion. Years, months, even decades of pent-up anger.

The lot of them squeaked, and they leapt under the table.

Itachi took no notice.

"I TRIED TO TELL EVERYONE THAT THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH MY EYES. YOU WANT ME TO CHECK, FINE! I DID. BUT YOU DO NOT, DO NOT, _DO NOT_ TOUCH MY EYES, YOU HEAR? DO NOT TOUCH MY EYES. I RATHER GO _BLIND_ THAN LET THE LOT OF YOU OPERATE ON A SINGLE _IRIS_. SO THE LOT OF YOU CAN DREAM!" Itachi shrieked. "HIDAN, WHEN THIS ENTIRE DRAMA IS DONE, I AM GOING TO SLAUGHTER YOU! DEIDARA AND SASORI, YOU TWO ARE DEAD, YOU HEAR? DEAD! TOBI, I AM GOING TO HAVE YOUR ENTRAILS FOR DINNER! KAKUZU AND KISAME, THE BOTH OF YOU WILL SEE ME IN MY ROOM AFTER THIS, YOU UNDERSTAND? YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR THIS TIME. NO ONE TOUCHES UCHIHA ITACHI'S EYES AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!"

He broke off, panting.

"Um...Itachi?"

The Uchiha had finally calmed down.

He glared Sasori, his tone cutting, "What is it?"

"You do realise that you're yelling at the wall painting, right?"

* * *

"Itachi."

The fuming male was firmly glued on his seat, trying and failing miserably to make out the words in the dictionary he was currently reading.

"Is your eye any better?" Kisame asked meekly.

"Quite."

"If it's any consolation, Kakuzu burned all Sasori and Deidara's equipment and ripped their white coats."

"Good." Itachi paused. "I'm glad he did."

"And one other thing..." the shark nin said nervously, before pausing.

When Itachi remained impassively silent, Kisame cleared his throat and continued.

"Kakuzu was saying that you always need us to call your name twice before you answer, plus your voice seems really scratchy...and he was wondering..."

The raven-haired male twitched, and the dictionary flopped heavily on his lap.

He didn't like where this was going...

Kisame continued, sounding a tad bit more enthusiastic now, "...plus Sasori and Deidara were saying that they have this degree of Otolaryngology..."

The blue-skinned male broke off, looking at his companion, who had turned into a nasty shade of puce. "Um...Itachi?"

* * *

Far, far away in Otogakure, Sasuke woke with a start, his mind churning with the dark angsty dreams that emo teenage avengers normally dreamt of.

He could have sworn he heard Itachi scream.

**【****End】**

* * *

**~[Omake]~**

"KISAME! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?" Kakuzu howled as the Uchiha convulsed violently on the floor, frothing at the mouth.

The said nin had collapsed at the floor. "I'M SORRY! I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING, I SWEAR!"

"KISAME NO DANNA, YOU IDIOT, UN!" Deidara waved his arms wildly, before he was pushed aside by a enraged Zetsu, covered in glass shards and fertiliser.

"ITACHI, YO**U** **BASTARD**! YOU DESTR**OYED** **MY GREENHOUSE**! I'L**L EAT YOU!"**

Sasori walked out, frowning at the writhing male, followed closely by Hidan and Tobi.

Hidan dissolved into helpless laughter while Tobi just clapped his hands excitedly.

"_Oooh_! Itachi-san looks like a rabid dog!"

* * *

**And there you have it.**

**What is Otolaryngology? Goooogle, yeah~~ But I'll given you a small clue. It's something to do with ears...and throat!**

**So, I hope it was funny, or at least acceptably humorous. My first time doing humour, after all.**

**If this sucks, I'm going to delete it...**

**So? Do you think this deserves to stay?**

**Review, or Zetsu shall eat you ^^**

**Tee Hee...**


	2. Notice

**Hi everyone!**

**This is important, yeah. I've decided to remove both 'Mistakes' and 'Optometrists In The Making' from this account. I will be, however, reporting them on my other account, Dunnoifgraluornalu, here on . So fret not! **

**It's really funny how I have two accounts at once. Originally, this was an old account that I lost my password for, so after recovering it, I decided to dump all my rejected oneshots here. But, I find it pointless and cumbersome to post stories at two different accounts, so...I'm reposting everything at my main account. (Honestly, I really don't know what I was thinking...)**

**So I hope everyone will pop over to my main account, remember: 'Dunnoifgraluornalu', and check out my other fics. I'll be removing these two fics in a month or two, so that everyone has sufficient time to see.**

**Actually, I had been contemplating to just leave these two fics here and abandon this account, but nah. I love those two oneshots, and it'll break my heart to just leave them, so I'm deleting and reposting.**

**Once again, thanks to everyone who has commented, favourited and alerted these two oneshots. Thank you!**

**Of course, I would absolutely love it if everyone who has favourited and alerted to, if it isn't too much trouble, do that again when I've reposted it at my other account. **


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